Have you ever had an experience of going about your own business and having someone comment on what you are doing or thinking in a way that just knocks the wind out of you? Perhaps they pass a remark on how you look or make a comment on something you just said or tell you […]
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Have you ever had an experience of going about your own business and having someone comment on what you are doing or thinking in a way that just knocks the wind out of you? Perhaps they pass a remark on how you look or make a comment on something you just said or tell you that you should be doing something differently. And for whatever reason you find it deeply challenging, maybe you feel hurt or angry towards them. I’m sure you recognise this scenario, just as I know I have had many such experiences.
In today’s blog, I want to share 4 approaches to support you in such instances.
You’ve heard me say many times that the most empowering perspective that we can ever hold is that ‘life is happening for me’. No matter what circumstances in which we find ourselves and no matter what others do or say, the suggestion is to always assume that what is happening is in your favour and for your growth, no matter how challenging that may be. In challenging moments or when you experience difficult people, you can say to yourself, ‘this is for me and I am open to all the learning this experience has come to teach me’.
To support you understanding why I encourage you to own your reactions, I want to share with you again, the koan, The Empty Boat. You can read more about koans and my previous reference to The Empty Boat here.
It goes like this:
A monk decided to meditate alone, away from his monastery.
He took his boat out to the middle of the lake, moored it there, closed his eyes and began meditating.
After a few hours of undisturbed silence, he suddenly felt the bump of another boat colliding with his own.
With his eyes still closed, he felt his anger rising, and by the time he opened his eyes, he was ready to scream at the boatman who had so carelessly disturbed his meditation.
But when he opened his eyes, he was surprised to find that it was an empty boat that had struck his own.
It had probably become untethered and floated to the middle of the lake.
At that moment, the monk had a great realization.
He understood that the anger was within him; it merely needed the bump of an external object to provoke it out of him.
From then on, whenever he came across someone who irritated him or provoked him to anger, he would remind himself, that the other person was merely an empty boat, the anger was within him.
I think this is so powerful for us to remember. When you are feeling hurt or angry and telling yourself it is because of what others have said and done, it is important to realise that those thoughts and feelings were in me already. Remember, nobody else can make you feel anything without your agreement. And nobody can think your thoughts but you.
Dealing with challenging scenarios and people was a theme on a great laser coaching call this week – these calls are an opportunity for clients to come together with me once a fortnight and ask questions, share challenges and get some support in the moment for how to navigate life’s ups and downs.
I shared the empty boat koan and a client also reminded us of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruis, a book I highly recommend. The second Agreement is Don’t Take Things Personally, which is the third of today’s strategies.
To summarise, Don Miguel says that nothing others do is because of you. Rather, what others say and do is a projection of their own reality. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. Instead, he promises freedom:
So how can you enact not taking things personally? How do you not feel a victim of the other person’s behaviour or words? For that I leave you with the Just Like Me exercise.
I first learned this exercise from Pema Chodron. Basically, she suggests that any time you feel frustrated or resentful or when other challenging feelings bubble up, you can focus on the person or people triggering those feelings and tell yourself “They’re just like me”.
Another way of thinking about this is that what you judge in others is a reflection of what you judge in yourself and what you love in others is a reflection of your light.
This is what this strategy looks like in practice. When you see/judge someone as being unkind, challenging etc, you can say to yourself:
“S/he is so unkind/ challenging/ [insert your own words], just like me.”
You could also extend this and say things like:
“Just like me, that person wants to be understood.”
“Just like me, that person wants to be loved.”
Just like me, that person wants to be seen and heard.”
By choosing to respond in this way, you can totally change how you view the person and your experience of them.
And to end on an even more empowering note, this strategy is intended for use in exactly the same way when you see someone who is amazing, talented, fabulous. Simply say to yourself:
“S/he is so amazing, talented, fabulous/ [insert your own words], just like me.”
I believe we are all here to grow and become the best version of ourselves. Our interactions with others, both positive and negative ones, are all opportunities to enable our learning and growth. My invitation to you today is to choose thoughts, responses and actions that move you in the direction of your growth with ease and grace.
If you need support on how to best build your muscle in such circumstances and how to transform your experiences, reach out today for a Complimentary Strategy Session. That will give us an hour together on Zoom, to understand your current challenges, clarify your vision for outcomes you’d love and identify some next steps in getting there. Book your session here.
